It’s Been A Minute

About an hour or two ago I had about 300 words written out that essentially amounted to nothing.

It was a bunch of me saying a whole lot of nothing and I just didn’t see where that did anything. At the least, I suppose, I was able to dump some thoughts. The difference is none of those thoughts seemed to offer anything.

Sure, this could be a place where I just blab about whatever or I could actually say something that someone can take with them. That would be so much better in my opinion.

but anyway here’s three things constantly on my mind lately:

1) It would probably be pretty cool to fall in love again soon. Yeah, I know, it’s easier said than done, but maybe I’ll actually try to be open to that moving forward.

2) School is constantly on my nerves. I think its more so that its essentially just in the way of other plans I have and yet society (and myself/family) would really appreciate it if I got that degree, at some point.

3) Money is absolutely the most annoying piece of whatever in existence. That is all.

Let’s tackle number one because honestly who wants to talk about school or money? Not I.

If you’ve traveled back in time to when I used to keep this thing current you’d know there’s been some less than desirable results concerning my love life in the past. And I’m here to address the current state of affairs.

I’ve been Fort Knox (which is a terribly inaccurate metaphor because they’re not defending anything valuable over there these days, but I digress) when it comes to opening up to others who could potentially develop feelings for me. And for the most part I’ve been cool with that. It’s basically been on purpose.

And that’s not fair.

When it comes to love it just happens, y’know, it just hits you and most often like a Mack truck.

I’ve always loved that reference because that thing isn’t going to be incredibly forgiving in that instance. Mack truck wins versus human every time.

It’s crazy to think I’ve had shots at finding love these last two years. And how unfair I have been with that is unreal. I understand fear, I get that. When you’ve been to the fullest extent possible with someone its hard to allow yourself back into that. And the fear isn’t necessarily that I’ll achieve it all again and then failboat major like I did before, but I think the quote from Spike Jonze’s 2013 film “Her” says it best:

“Sometimes I think I have felt everything I’m ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I’m not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I’ve already felt.”

That’s easily one of the realest quotes I’ve ever read. Like whoa. You can feel it.

And that’s where most of the fear comes from because how fair is it to someone else if I take a shot at disproving that quote and then have it actually be true and now I’m in this relationship with someone I’ve invested in and vice versa. That would scare you too, right?

So that’s where I’ve been with that. And yet, here I am wanting to give it a go.

Best wishes?

More Awesome Friends

So my buddy Morgan has been writing. He spent a great deal of his summer locked in doing some college football previews and other articles on related topics within college sports.

I’m introducing his blog here to show him some love but to also announce that he and I will be doing weekly posts on each other’s blogs where we each discuss a social issue in sports or anything really that peaks our interest.

His blog is found here so hop on over and give it a look. Early discussions have us leaning towards this whole Ray Rice fiasco. We’re excited and hopefully you are too.

So Lately

Lately I haven’t been writing.

I’ve been doing this thing we call thinking, but there hasn’t been a whole lot translated into words on paper or a computer screen for that matter.

I don’t really have any real answers for that.

Maybe my thoughts, views, opinions or whathaveyou keep coming up a bit too deep for my liking.

Even though, I’d like nothing more than to actually write something true and real and not so much thought provoking, but interesting in the least. And what’s weird is the stuff I want to write or enjoy reading is nowhere near the material I’ve produced in the past.

Maybe that has kept me from writing. My mind is such a pain because it thinks of these hypothetical and downright stupid situations where I’ll write something only to get responses such as “hey man are you okay?” “is everything cool?” Yes. Everything is alright. I live inside my head. As we all do. And really, I’ve come to enjoy the adventure my mind has been taking me on lately.

So what does this all really mean?

It means I’ve got to make it back into this thing we’re referring to as writing, journaling, thinking out loud, whatever.

And that means I’m here to just talk, dialogue with whoever chooses to read and shed some light on how I’m feeling about life, love, etc.

Maybe some background or catch up is in order.

This fall marks my final semester of undergrad (thank goodness for real, it’s been entirely too long a process) and I’m just working to keep things together in all honesty. The goal is still Sydney. Yes, I’m still trying to move. No, you won’t change my mind. And this has caused me to see life from a completely different perspective.

For the first time ever it seems like I’m on a countdown. And that’s fantastic and terrible and freeing and horrifying all at the same time. (And I swear if I get up from this desk one more time whilst trying to write this its never going to see the light of day)

Anyway, there’s heaps of, for lack of a better word, “stuff” going on all the time. It’s all just go go go right now. And because of this I’ve honestly just pushed so much away. I haven’t the time or at least it seems as so.

Subconsciously I feel some of that behavior is me testing myself to see how I would be without it. Early reports seem to be showing well. It’s taken a day to day feel. And that’s a nice change from when I used to plan things out so far in advance. Essentially the goal is Sydney and it will happen the only question is when and I’m hoping sooner than later.

And I’ll tell you why.

It would probably be pretty cool to cut this single life mess out at some point soon. And really, its too hard to do so here. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met awesome women here, but I’ve been keeping them all at a distance. I think falling for someone again is something I’m capable of but man is it the scariest thing I could think about at any given time.

No, honestly it scares the hell out of me.

Emotions on even the slightest level I’ve become so adverse to that it’s crazy.

And this is that point in the post where you, the reader, is going to want to hit that comment button or shoot me a text and say something encouraging.

And it’s the point in the post where I actually closed the page and said “I’m done with this” again. This has been happening since April.

Luckily, I opened up a blog by my favorite writer, who I should say hasn’t updated this particular blog in nearly three years, and read a post I must have gone thru dozens of times already and it contains a truly great quote:

“I’ve always said, in 10-15 years when people from this generation start really being the main people in the public eye, be it politicians, business leaders, and other types of influencers, the people we as a culture should be most wary of are the ones who’s lives were hidden from age 18-30. We need to stay putting ourselves on blast. While always remaining respectful in our tone, this is the time to just air it all out. Be proud of the way you think. And be excited that for the rest of your life, someone will be able to remind you about how you viewed the world in your 20s and early 30s. That’s fantastic.” – Rembert Browne

And he’s talking about stuff completely separate from what I’m discussing here, but that quote brought me back to not care so much about what it is I share. If I’m going to write I should write and it should be what I feel. So be it.

So here we are. I’m the guy that was so locked into a relationship with a girl he loved more than anything and lost it all. And man that’s tough to recover from, I won’t lie but I’m moving forward. Maybe that’s been a part of my fear leading to my desire to escape, hit reset and keep others at bay until I press that button with both hands.

And it may be slightly ludicrous to think just moving will do the trick, but to that I say I have to at least try.

As an ode to the late Robin Williams, of whom I was hoping to write about a few weeks back, I’ll quote his character from Good Will Hunting when talking about meeting his wife,

“Sorry, guys; I gotta see about a girl.”

I’m leaving the States and I’m sure that’s where she’ll be.

PS – I want to challenge myself to write, everyday, no joke. Therefore, be on the lookout for posts each day even if they’re short, ridiculous, fun, etc. I’ve a need to get this rolling once again.

Words

The last time I posted a poem it was a pretty sad effort.

Due to that, I had written this months ago, but never felt like sharing.

I recently watched some of my buddy’s work in poetry and was inspired to put this out there.

We want to find, so we seek
And while the future can be bleak
We press on
And get stronger, go harder until everything that’s left is gone.
Potential is now.
We can’t take it with us
And while this world can be malicious
God created “Wow”
Awestruck before Him
And He calls us His child
How much better can it be?
Lord, You complete me.
We want to love, so we trust
And though it’s a fuss
We’ve got to wade through the lust
And all of that other fuss
To find truth
And it’s stuck to You
King, Almighty
Truer than true.
So before we ascend
We’ve got to work on this blend
Our hearts on mend
Our Savior, The Christ.
For us, He paid the price.
Amen.

Fear Being Conquered

I know. It’s been a while.

And really, I was going to go even longer without writing.

I think it’s because of a lot of reasons, but if I could pinpoint one it would be fear.

I just read this.

And it’s everything. It’s every single bit of what I deal with whenever I sit down to do this. 

Quick shoutout though to a few friends that this week, for whatever reason, mentioned my blog and asked what the deal was and why I hadn’t been writing. This is for y’all, and me too I suppose. 

I say that I write for my readers but y’all get from this just ends up as the byproduct.

I learn and grow from my writing and thankfully others draw something from it occasionally and for that I am incredibly grateful. It honestly blows my mind every time someone just mentions the blog in passing.

But back to the issue at hand. This fear thing.

It’s truly frightening. Honestly, a lot of times I get thoughts here and there on something I’d like to write about and I just can’t make it around to putting it out there.

Sometimes it’s controversial or too personal. But when I think about it, why am I holding back? If there’s something that should be said who am I to decide that it shouldn’t be?

So my hope is to fix that. 

I’ve been incredibly transparent here and I don’t plan on stopping that any time soon. 

I mean, the scariest thing I ever did was tell the world about my divorce. Easily the darkest time of my life, no joke. 

So, nothing too serious today, but I wanted to take the time to say I’m back and I’m ready.

No holding back.

Because really how much time do we truly have and what kind of impact are you trying to make?

 

 

 

Why I Chose To Go

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything for this blog.

I’ve been blaming it on school mainly and while there’s some truth to that I honestly just lost sight of why I started it in the first place..

As a means to bring healing.

That was my real reason anyway.

God used it mightily and it became somewhat of a resource or inspiration for others, but I benefitted as well from having an outlet to express what’s going on in my head.

And there’s a lot going on in there.

Lately I’ve switched up a few things school-wise and it’s brought about a renewed focus on moving to Sydney.

I plan to graduate this December and as soon as I can get to Australia the better.

Many have asked me what the draw is for me to Sydney and I usually say family, the excitement of living abroad, the beauty of the city/country, etc.

And to be fair that is all absolutely true.

But if I’m being real, which is always the case if you’re reading this blog, Sydney is my fresh start.

I’m not naive and I know it won’t fix everything, but being here, especially in Georgia, carries way too many memories.

Sydney offers a chance to hit reset like nothing else while still offering a support system via family and a new culture to immerse myself within and the ability to create new memories.

The weird thing that I keep running into here is while I’ve moved on some things just won’t let me go and I’ve concluded it’s just this place.

While I love it so, I need a break.

I don’t know how long that will be, but while I’ve got the chance, Sydney it is.

I’m not running from anything here or anyone for that matter, but I feel that I just need to take the chance to do something for me.

I’ve decided it’s my best plan of action.

Why Dating As A Christian Can Be So Difficult

I haven’t written in a week and it seems like an eternity.

I don’t like that.

However, I will say it’s seriously awesome when a friend asks me, “Hey, so uhh, what’s the next blog post going to be?”

I’m still not used to it.

But here we are, my next blog post, and an idea I’ve essentially always had to deal with: Dating as a Christian.

It’s difficult.

But do not dismay, because if you know me, I’m hardly a pessimist. I’m about to attempt to drop some hope, encouragement and maybe wisdom. (That might be a stretch.)

So here I’ll put a few ideas out there about what I find difficult in dating as a Christian and then destroy it with God’s truth & promises.

Are you ready?

The biggest issue is the whole argument of “Why wait?”

I’m talking about sex here and honestly any sexual immorality. It’s so much easier essentially, to just go with today’s view of relationships where the question is more often, “After which date do we sleep together?” opposed to “Can I see myself marrying this person?”

As a Christian it should always be the latter. Those first few dates should be about getting to know that other person. Compatibility should be based on whether or not this person is someone you enjoy being around, adds to the constantly changing & growing thing I like to call your life and shares the values & morals you possess.

Waiting is tough. I know, because I didn’t, but I can tell you as someone looking at this from the other side, you know, that place you can’t go until you’re there, I wish I had waited.

The foundation of a relationship is so much stronger when you allow commitment to lead to intimacy. There’s nothing to be worried about when that’s the approach we take.

Sometimes though, as Christians we do a pretty decent job, thanks to God’s grace, at putting together a fairly solid relationship. At that point, watch out. The enemy would much rather wreck something viewed as successful than something that never really seemed to get off the ground.

And even after you may say,”There’s too much required of this”

It can seem that way. Dating as a Christian can seem like there’s so many more rules to follow than dating outside of a Christian’s world view. Of course the most common has already been discussed , but on a broader level Christians hear all the time, “guard their heart.”

This is absolutely crucial to dating as a Christian because I’m going to be honest with you, just because you’re both Christian and things are going well doesn’t mean that person is going to be the one. When that comes to pass, you have held the responsibility during that entire relationship of leaving the least amount of scars possible on that person so they can be in the best shape for their future spouse and likewise for you.

That’s a lot to take in. This isn’t a game. I like to write about selfishness a lot because I feel it’s so crucial not just in relationships, but life in general. When selfishness isn’t curbed it births these scars. We all fall, I get that, but where we are called as Christians is to seek God’s grace and walk in the righteousness He offers in salvation.

Something as simple as committing to not cuddling, while may seem legalistic, can show that you care more about healthier ways of expressing affection and that you respect your partner by not opening doors towards crossing boundaries much bigger.

And that’s why this can be difficult. There’s more to deal with than is realized and it can become frustrating even at times, but we are called to be more. To be set apart. Patience & selflessness can help you get there with a daily helping of God’s grace.

Thank you for reading and I hope you all have a blessed day.

Take care.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 813 other followers