Lately I haven’t been writing.
I’ve been doing this thing we call thinking, but there hasn’t been a whole lot translated into words on paper or a computer screen for that matter.
I don’t really have any real answers for that.
Maybe my thoughts, views, opinions or whathaveyou keep coming up a bit too deep for my liking.
Even though, I’d like nothing more than to actually write something true and real and not so much thought provoking, but interesting in the least. And what’s weird is the stuff I want to write or enjoy reading is nowhere near the material I’ve produced in the past.
Maybe that has kept me from writing. My mind is such a pain because it thinks of these hypothetical and downright stupid situations where I’ll write something only to get responses such as “hey man are you okay?” “is everything cool?” Yes. Everything is alright. I live inside my head. As we all do. And really, I’ve come to enjoy the adventure my mind has been taking me on lately.
So what does this all really mean?
It means I’ve got to make it back into this thing we’re referring to as writing, journaling, thinking out loud, whatever.
And that means I’m here to just talk, dialogue with whoever chooses to read and shed some light on how I’m feeling about life, love, etc.
Maybe some background or catch up is in order.
This fall marks my final semester of undergrad (thank goodness for real, it’s been entirely too long a process) and I’m just working to keep things together in all honesty. The goal is still Sydney. Yes, I’m still trying to move. No, you won’t change my mind. And this has caused me to see life from a completely different perspective.
For the first time ever it seems like I’m on a countdown. And that’s fantastic and terrible and freeing and horrifying all at the same time. (And I swear if I get up from this desk one more time whilst trying to write this its never going to see the light of day)
Anyway, there’s heaps of, for lack of a better word, “stuff” going on all the time. It’s all just go go go right now. And because of this I’ve honestly just pushed so much away. I haven’t the time or at least it seems as so.
Subconsciously I feel some of that behavior is me testing myself to see how I would be without it. Early reports seem to be showing well. It’s taken a day to day feel. And that’s a nice change from when I used to plan things out so far in advance. Essentially the goal is Sydney and it will happen the only question is when and I’m hoping sooner than later.
And I’ll tell you why.
It would probably be pretty cool to cut this single life mess out at some point soon. And really, its too hard to do so here. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met awesome women here, but I’ve been keeping them all at a distance. I think falling for someone again is something I’m capable of but man is it the scariest thing I could think about at any given time.
No, honestly it scares the hell out of me.
Emotions on even the slightest level I’ve become so adverse to that it’s crazy.
And this is that point in the post where you, the reader, is going to want to hit that comment button or shoot me a text and say something encouraging.
And it’s the point in the post where I actually closed the page and said “I’m done with this” again. This has been happening since April.
Luckily, I opened up a blog by my favorite writer, who I should say hasn’t updated this particular blog in nearly three years, and read a post I must have gone thru dozens of times already and it contains a truly great quote:
“I’ve always said, in 10-15 years when people from this generation start really being the main people in the public eye, be it politicians, business leaders, and other types of influencers, the people we as a culture should be most wary of are the ones who’s lives were hidden from age 18-30. We need to stay putting ourselves on blast. While always remaining respectful in our tone, this is the time to just air it all out. Be proud of the way you think. And be excited that for the rest of your life, someone will be able to remind you about how you viewed the world in your 20s and early 30s. That’s fantastic.” – Rembert Browne
And he’s talking about stuff completely separate from what I’m discussing here, but that quote brought me back to not care so much about what it is I share. If I’m going to write I should write and it should be what I feel. So be it.
So here we are. I’m the guy that was so locked into a relationship with a girl he loved more than anything and lost it all. And man that’s tough to recover from, I won’t lie but I’m moving forward. Maybe that’s been a part of my fear leading to my desire to escape, hit reset and keep others at bay until I press that button with both hands.
And it may be slightly ludicrous to think just moving will do the trick, but to that I say I have to at least try.
As an ode to the late Robin Williams, of whom I was hoping to write about a few weeks back, I’ll quote his character from Good Will Hunting when talking about meeting his wife,
“Sorry, guys; I gotta see about a girl.”
I’m leaving the States and I’m sure that’s where she’ll be.
PS – I want to challenge myself to write, everyday, no joke. Therefore, be on the lookout for posts each day even if they’re short, ridiculous, fun, etc. I’ve a need to get this rolling once again.